Meltdowns vs. Tantrums and how to handle them.

Every meltdown is an assault on the nervous system. It feels like terror flying through the body in waves of different magnitudes. The body is tricked into thinking it is in immediate danger. Urges to flee overtake any higher-level thinking or logic that is trying to exist. Prevention is key! Calming supportive care is the response.

Is it a tantrum or a meltdown? In the moment, assess if they are intentionally acting out for attention, trying to get something they want, or avoiding a demand.

For tantrums, redirecting may be possible. Remain calm. Model a calm voice and body. We can try to redirect, but sometimes we need to ignore it and wait it out. Use visual cue cards and minimal words without eye contact to indicate what is expected. Have you seen kids stop crying to look up to see who is watching? This is a tantrum.

Meltdowns are an all-inclusive nervous system response to being overstimulated. Think of it as the neural connections getting all tangled up. The stimulation could be something physical (sensory), a thought (cognitive), mood (emotions), or too many demands to perform a task (executive functions).  A meltdown is not something a child is purposely doing to manipulate you.

For meltdowns, reduce verbal directions, and use visual cue cards or a whiteboard to communicate. Note, the only part of the autistic brain that is not affected by autism is the visual cortex. And with close connections with the motor planning part of the brain, a written request may be carried out.

Walking is an excellent choice to calm down.

Offer two choices, any more may contribute to further overwhelm. Let them know the pathway of getting out of the situation they are in, such as go to a calming break area, use a sensory tool, or use a breathing technique. This is personal. Pick something that the child uses often to begin to self-regulate and recover. Yes, I said recover, because the inside of the body was just beat up and the mind is ravaged and confused.

Many educators are aware of some principles of polyvagal theory. Think triggers, fight or flight, and shutdown. The vagus nerve drives the physiological state, which is the sum of all the autonomic nervous system functions: emotions, sensory perceptions, energy levels, and the ability to perform executive functions. The theory rests in the idea that a person must feel safe in their environment to maximize cognitive function including decision making and learning.

Neuroception is the body's automatic ability to assess danger and react to keep us safe. This directs where our attention is focused. If you hear a loud crash or a scream, you automatically stop focusing on your task at hand and attend to the noise. When one is fearful of something, neuroception can override cognitive thoughts with intense feelings which may cause an anxiety or panic attack since we are typically not in acute danger. The energy explodes and a feeling of being out of control causes complete overwhelm.

I mentioned fear—let’s explore this a little. For some, this could be fear of change in a routine or expectations. It could be unknown to the observer—maybe the child remembered something traumatic, or a smell overtook their sensory system. Overall, something triggered the nervous system, and it is usually not a jaguar running at you.

Self-regulation is the ability to adjust one's own behavior as changes in the environment occur. For some, the body cannot manage high levels of stress automatically when one is overwhelmed with strong emotions. Because we are social beings that depend on each other, the feeling of safety is dependent on others, too. Educators can use co-regulation strategies to improve a student’s ability to self-regulate by modeling desired mood, tone, and behavior, and providing sensory tools and calming strategies.

Managing a meltdown is best done before they even happen. Prevention includes relying on visual schedules, first/then cue cards, scheduled breaks, token boards, etc.

Once cortisol is raging through the body, the higher-level brain functions like language

and decision making are extremely impaired. Supportive care is necessary. Movement might be helpful to disperse the energy. This is not the time to punish or teach. If a stuffed toy is calming, give it to them. The goal is to mitigate stress. Don’t think of it as rewarding negative behavior—because they are not in control of their behavior. What they are going through is not their choice. It is not intentional, and it feels horrible.

Nobody wants a meltdown. It is debilitating and the fallout can last hours to fully recover. They can cause sensory sensitivities, mood variability, or even migraines. After one, the nervous system is more delicate and can be on high alert and more prone to meltdowns the rest of the day. Some report feeling the need to sleep in order to reset everything to lift the brain fog and balance energy.

After a student is calm, take the time to reflect on what triggered the meltdown. Then, use Social Stories and visual cue cards, and model calm behaviors when similar situations occur. The goal is for the child to manage their body and mind when they are triggered. With practice, a person can feel the precursor feelings in the body and take steps to mitigate the stress response before a full meltdown. By using this mind/body connection and co-regulation, we are there to assist in prevention and de-escalation.

Avoiding meltdowns is imperative! Extensive and repetitive trauma to the nervous system can lead to negative long-term health outcomes. The more often they occur, the harder it is to train the body out of that response pattern. The body remembers and will react in the same way next time. Co-regulation is teaching self-regulation! Just know it takes time to see results.

References:

Dunn Buron, Kari and Curtis, Mitze. (2021) The Incredible 5-Point Scale 2nd Edition.

Hodgdon, Linda. (2011). Visual Strategies for Improving Communication, Revised edition. Quirk Roberts Publishing.

Kircher-Morris, Emily and Morin, Amanda. (2025) Neurodiversity Affirming Schools. Transforming practice so all students feel accepted and supported. Free Spirit Publishing.

Porges, Stephen and Porges, Seth. (2023) Our Polyvagal World: How safety and trauma change us. W. W. Norton and Company.

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Nancy Roop promotes neurodiversity and inclusion by speaking at educational conferences—or to anyone, anywhere! She is also a favorite Special Education Substitute Teacher. Roop designed an early chapter book with embedded comprehension strategies, positive social connections, and tips for self-regulation. In 2024, she published The Big Aquarium Adventure; Learn about frogs, fish, turtles, sharks, and skates!

She has spoken at ALA 2025, CEC 2025: Virtual, Michigan, and Georgia. OCALICON ’22 and ’23. Literacy Conferences: Michigan, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, and Maryland. Her Para-to-Para coaching program is her focus now!